You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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