The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Ladies don't puke and tell
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
