I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
