I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
