just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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