she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I cut my penus on the lid.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
