I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
