dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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