He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
