I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
