I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
