I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
