i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
