sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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