a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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