I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
