I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
