so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
