Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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