shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
