She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
