Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
