"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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