I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
