Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
