someone threw a dead crab at me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
