I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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