apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
