omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
