Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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