Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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