Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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