I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
