life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He better not be in your backpack
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
