THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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