Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
