My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
