i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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