What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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