I'm gonna have a badass scar
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
