No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
