Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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