Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We have so much sex to catch up on
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
