smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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