Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
