Are we in a gay sports bar?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
