Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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