I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
