So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
