I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
